Wonderful Lie
by Dominus Umbra
Summary: Di/Nikki. Something slightly different. Crossing that line...
1. Dodging Stones

**AN: So I thought I'd try poetry. This is the result. Nikki's POV, Diane is 'you'.  
**

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**Wonderful Lie**

It's a wonderful lie I've told myself  
To maintain the life I love  
But each regret falls like a stone  
A doubt from high above

To shatter my reality  
With a glimpse of what could be  
If only I were braver  
With the strength to let them see

I know you see me watching  
Though I vowed to stay away  
An order from my inner voice  
When that liar still held sway

You see, there was a line  
That told me right from wrong  
But you came along and blurred it  
And made my nights so long

As I lie awake and ponder  
Would it be wrong or right  
My thoughts twist like a maze  
And there is no end in sight

For you make me face those feelings  
Buried deep within my heart  
And I know you never meant to  
But you were certainly the start

Just a moment in the corridor  
That was all it took  
A glace, a touch, a word  
You had me with one look

To begin with, I denied it  
And that was my first lie  
And each denial was a brick  
And I built that wall so high

That wall around my life  
The life I share with Doug  
And my precious children  
I should know who'd win the tug

But I don't, and that's what scares me  
'Coz you've burrowed your way in  
And now I have to choose  
Between you and my own kin

With my family, I feel safe  
With you, I'm not so sure  
But with you, I feel alive  
And I feel like I could soar

Perhaps if you weren't female  
This would be easier to face  
My thoughts, they might be calmer  
And I'd feel like I had space

But no, that would be simple  
So you're a woman too  
And only makes it harder  
And I don't know what to do

I wonder how they'd take it  
If I chose to be with you  
My friends from work, my family  
I wonder what they'd do

I see him watching now  
My husband of ten years  
I can tell he's worried  
But I'm unsure of what he fears

I wonder how he'd take it  
If I ever broke the news  
That I'd found someone to love me more  
That it wasn't him I'd choose

I don't think I could do that  
I couldn't make that call  
I couldn't cope with hurting him  
So I retreat behind my wall

In the end, I chose my family  
As you always knew I would  
It's why you never pushed me  
You knew I never could

So even though this hurts me  
That's not something I could do  
So instead, I go on lying  
And dodging stones that look like you

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**R & R? This is my first attempt at poetry longer than a few lines, so feedback is muchly appreciated.**


	2. Running Blind

I tried, I did, I swore  
That I wouldn't cross that line  
But all the plans of mice and men  
Were better laid than mine

I said I'd not approach you  
I'd stay away, that was my vow  
But you made me ignore that  
And I'm still not sure how

I'd built a wall around myself  
A barrier of lies  
It was reinforced with doubts and fears  
And held up by family ties

But somehow, you got through it  
And you tore down my wall  
And I stood by and watched you  
And let the pieces fall

Late at night I wondered  
As I was curled up in your bed  
How had I let this happen  
And why had my resolve fled

You made it seem so simple  
Being with you feels so right  
But that doesn't stop the guilt I feel  
Or help me sleep at night

'Coz I know I shouldn't be here  
That this was all so wrong  
It's a betrayal of my family  
But I just went along

I wonder how I'll tell him  
Or if I even should  
'Coz I foresee the pain I'd cause  
And I'm not sure I could

When I think about it, really  
He doesn't need to know  
It's not like I can't hide it  
And not let my feelings show

But something whispers softly  
Saying that it's not fair  
To hide myself and lie to him  
And to expect you to share

And what about my children?  
Do I really think they'd cope?  
If their mother just abandoned them  
And their father lost all hope?

I know I couldn't do that  
There's no way in the world  
Which is why my thoughts are troubled  
As 'round my head they swirled

Because now I think I need you  
And I don't think that will change  
And I don't know what to do now  
Though that is not so strange

'Coz ever since I met you  
I feel like I've been blind  
And running through a fog  
With no direction in my mind

But somehow all that running  
Led me straight into your arms  
And I know I shouldn't be here  
'Coz there's so many that this harms

And I know you never wanted  
For it to go this way  
And I think, on that, he would agree  
If I gave him a say

But sometimes these things happen  
There is nobody at fault  
That's what I try to tell myself  
While the rest of me screams 'dolt'

Of course I could've stopped this  
Had I wanted to  
But my brain asked what I wanted  
And my heart replied with you

So now I'm in this mess  
And I see no way out  
This will end in hurt for somebody  
Of that there is no doubt

Could I really do it?  
Could I leave him for you?  
Maybe the girls would cope with it  
'Coz that's what children do

Or perhaps, and far more likely  
This will blow up in my face  
And I'll end up losing both of you  
But I hope that's not the case

But I don't want to choose between you  
Because choosing would cause pain  
And the pressure of that choice  
Is driving me insane

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**I can haz reviews?**


	3. Asking Why

How did I let this happen?  
It started with that glance  
That was what broke down my wall  
And made me take the chance

I think that I was happiest  
When I had the both of you  
Does that make me greedy?  
Because I wanted two?

But now I have to choose  
Because he saw through my lies  
He knows I've not been faithful  
I see that as he cries

And now he's wanting answers  
That I think I have to give  
Because if I felt any guiltier  
I'm not sure I could live

His first question was easy  
As he asked how long  
How long had I been lying?  
And why hadn't it felt wrong?

I told him that of course  
Of course I had felt bad  
Did he think I took it lightly?  
Betraying my children's dad?

His next question was why  
And I could not respond  
What was it about you?  
Why had I grown so fond?

And when I couldn't answer  
I saw him die a bit inside  
But what had I expected?  
For him to take it in his stride?

There had to be a reason  
But that reason was unclear  
'Coz I was unsure why I'd risked  
Losing all that I held dear

He wilted as I said that  
And looked me in the eye  
And he gave me my answer  
Though I'm still not sure why

"Because," he said, "she loves you  
More than I think I could"  
And I know that it was wrong  
But that made me feel so good

And I could see it killed him  
To admit out loud  
And I saw how I'd hurt him  
And I was far from proud

And then he added "That's not all  
I know you love her too  
And don't try and deny it  
Because I know it's true"

In that moment he saw through me  
No matter what I hid  
And I wanted to deny it  
My god, I really did

But I couldn't and that shook me  
Made me realise where I stood  
And though I wanted to deny it  
I knew I never could

But then he met my eye again  
And asked, "Which do you choose"  
And forced me to decide  
Who would win and who would lose

And the indecision wracked me  
And I could not decide  
This was all so very cruel  
I wished that I could hide

But I knew I had to choose  
No longer could I run  
And so, although it killed me  
I did what must be done

And I was right about the pain I'd cause  
And the guilt I'd feel  
But just I have to trust in time  
And hope that he will heal

Because I think I've made my choice  
I think I wanna be with you  
'Coz all that stuff, the things he said  
Were absolutely true

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**AN: I may, some time in the future, write another verse of this from Diane's POV, but it probably won't be until after my HSC. **

**Reviews are awesomeness.**


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